2025

The following is a contribution from one of our male members.  This is his written reflection after his input during a recent group video call. 

Widower Profile:

Widowed four years ago, before turning 40

One child, currently six years old

Widow’s Fire journey: two periods of courtship, each one derailed by hospitalisations 

Big question on his mind: With a child who will be 18 in 12 years, this widower will then be 55: What to do then?

I couldn’t have predicted whence the past 12 years have taken me – divination of my current lot would have left me stupified; whither will the next 12 years take me?  Or, where will I (try to) steer the next 12 years?  Given precedent, it seems I’d be a fool to overnavigate!

Despite my ambitions to remarry soberly but without undue delay, kiddo didn’t get a new mommy before the onset of reason, yet the child is flourishing for two reasons: following the parenting template set by his mother, and spending time and attention with the child myself by putting in the hours and days – this can’t be outsourced in widowhood!

No pictures of my beloved in the home have been taken down, but no new ones have been put up.  She’s still beloved even if her mortal life is absent, but her death and our window of time as one flesh is acknowledged while avoiding our home being converted into a morbid shrine for the departed.  This happy medium is her own echo, or possibly her legacy being woven into her only child.

Life is unfolding now in ways never predicted, with a result that I don’t feel compelled to force remarrying with urgency.  I chose uniting to a spouse: marriage and parenthood were freely chosen and embraced, and so of course we can choose our paths going forward.

All that said, if someone I find attractive is interested in me I wouldn’t say no to potential courtship – I’ll give anyone the time of day! But parenthood unreservedly takes place in front of romantic ambitions: father and child are a package deal, if nothing else.  I’ve been in relationships as a widower, open to moving forward (forward with the past and not forward away from it) and it’s good to know for myself that I can get out of the starting blocks to attract a mate.

Three mental afflictions of the widowed are known to me: Widow’s Brain (forgetting the easily remembered and even habitual); Widow’s Fog (difficulty and delay in once straightforward thought and decisions); and Widow’s Fire (craving the sensations of intimacy and touch as previously experienced with one’s spouse).  In my own experience and as shared by the widowed, the Fire can be assuaged by: SSRIs (antidepressant drugs); a new spouse; hedonism (to diminishing returns, as I’ve read and felt); and perhaps countercultural but no less valid, elective celibacy.  

For my part I’m still of marriageable age and vitality, but directing the Fire outside of physical intimacy may be the right choice for me…and that’s not just okay but possibly the first, best destiny for me and even the child.

To be continued, in this life or in the next!

On behalf of the community, we thank this dear member for sharing so beautifully.  Much appreciated.