One week, we want companionship. The next, we’re craving solitude.

One day, we dream of falling in love again.

The next, we miss our spouse so fiercely it feels disloyal to even think about someone new.

One of the most confusing parts of dating or forming new connections after loss is the way our minds never seem to settle. 

This isn’t about being inconsist. This is grief. This is growth!  This is life.

When we’re widowed, we are thrust into an identity crisis. Who are we without the person we built a life with? What does love mean now? What does partnership look and feel like without that shared past? And do we even want it again?

The truth is: our thinking is going to shift. CONSTANTLY.

Seven years later, I sometimes forget that healing isn’t linear, and that it loops, spirals, and surprises me. I find myself opening up, feeling hopeful… and then retreating again. That’s normal. It’s human.  So when it comes to new relationships, the pressure to define everything and to name it, box it in, label it with certainty… can feel overwhelming and often pointless. 

WHAT IF… we gave ourselves permission to not define it right away? What if we allowed room for connection to evolve without deciding in advance what it has to become?

You don’t have to know on the first date (or the tenth!) whether someone is “the one.” You don’t have to explain or justify why you want company but not commitment, or why your heart still aches for your late spouse even as you’re holding someone new. You don’t have to figure it all out.

Because here’s the part we often forget: the other person’s thinking is shifting too!

They’re getting to know you and the version of you that exists now, post-loss, post-reinvention. Maybe they’ve experienced their own grief. Maybe they have their own fears, hopes, or tender boundaries. Maybe they started off thinking they wanted something casual, and it’s starting to feel deeper. Or maybe they’re retreating, rethinking, growing in a different direction.

It’s not a problem to solve. It’s a process to witness with curiosity, not judgment.  So let your mind change. Let your heart shift. Let the connection breathe, evolve, start, pause, restart. The story doesn’t have to be linear. It just has to be honest.

You are allowed to want different things at different times. You are allowed to rewrite the script as often as you need!  You can do this without hurting others and we can only hope that that person on the other side is coming in with their own best of intentions, even if it doesn’t make sense to us.  We are all so complex and layered.

Grief reshapes us. Love reshapes us again. And every time we show up with openness, we are choosing to LIVE. 

And I think that’s more than enough.